Plastic Surgeon General Warns Of Small Breasts Epidemic – TheOnion
The National Center for Cosmetic Enhancement rails against A-cups.
BEVERLY HILLS, CA–According to a report released Monday by U.S.
plastic surgeon general Dr. Louis T. Saddler, an alarming number of
American women are suffering from dangerously small breasts.
The Office of the plastic surgeon General–headed by a presidential
appointee tasked with monitoring the national aesthetic, alerting the
public to any small flaws, and offering a wide range of affordable,
noninvasive laser resurfacing options–first addressed the countrywide
plague of undersized breasts in the mid-1980s by demanding that
manufacturers of A- through C-cup bras place large warning labels on
their products informing female consumers of the potential risk of
having deficient bosoms. Since taking the position in 2001, Dr. Saddler
has continued these education efforts, launching several ad campaigns
and personally reaching out to women all across the nation.
“The undersized breasts problem in the United States has reached
crisis level,” Saddler said during a press conference held at the
National Centers for Rhinoplasty and Microdermabrasion. “Unless they
receive immediate cosmetic treatment, millions of women in this country
will lose the attention of their male acquaintances completely, and
some may never be able to land husbands or, if they are somehow already
married, keep their husbands’ interest.”
Added Saddler, “I urge all Americans to educate themselves about the
differences between silicone and saline, and contact my secretary Linda
to set something up.”
According to information found on the plastic surgeon general’s
website, there are several easily identifiable indications that a woman
may be afflicted with Chronic Breast Deficiency, or CBD. These include
the inability to fill out tight sweaters, as well as invisibility when
in proximity to women who have large breasts. Females with this
disorder may also experience a troubling absence of back pain.
Despite impressive advances in augmentation mammoplasty in recent
years, breast smallness continues to be a scourge on the female
population, in some part due to the difficulty many women have in
recognizing the symptoms. According to Saddler, some can live with a
severe chest deficiency for years without realizing that they have a
“A woman who suspects that she may have this condition can verify it
with an extremely quick, normally painless test,” said Saddler, later
adding that symptoms such as a fluid, natural movement of the bosom or
any breast shape other than a perfectly round, rock-hard grapefruit
should also serve as definitive warning signs. “It’s as simple as
consulting a trained professional such as a strip-club bouncer or
licensed drywaller to assess your personal risk.”
“I cannot stress enough how important it is for women who believe
they already have large breasts to remember that they can almost always
benefit from having even larger breasts,” Saddler added.
Citing statistics showing that small breasts strike women of every
age, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status, and that every region of the
United States is uniformly affected with the exception of Southern
California, the plastic surgeon general stressed that a nation of
under-breasted women is “everyone’s problem.” In an attempt to reach
out to as many citizens as possible, including those not directly
afflicted, the Office of the Plastic Surgeon General has released a
series of public service announcements that emphasize the important
role men can play in helping to turn the tide of the epidemic.
“If your daughter, girlfriend, or secretary has small breasts, let
her know that she should get the help she needs,” Saddler says in one
of the televised spots, standing before a diagram of Pamela Anderson.
“Referring to under- endowed women’s mammaries as ‘mosquito bites’ or
likening a female’s appearance to a diving board are just two of the
many effective methods that can encourage those suffering from this
unpleasant disorder to seek treatment.”
The informative PSA also suggests several coping strategies that can
allow small-breasted women to lead a relatively productive life while
securing the funds necessary to have their disorder remedied. These
include giggling at anything a man says, wearing shorter skirts, and
engaging in empty promiscuity.
Although the plastic surgeon general’s office has had a
long-standing and fruitful partnership with the media to promote the
image of a healthy, ample-chested lifestyle, Saddler said legislation
may be the key to solving this crisis. Last week, Congress proposed a
bill that would earmark $600 million to provide high schools nationwide
with educational programs and literature.
“The younger a woman is when she realizes that she has this problem,
the better off we’ll all be,” said Sen. Wayne Allard (R-CO), head of
the recently formed Itty-Bitty Titty Senate Subcommittee. “Of course,
we support all women receiving treatment for this disorder, regardless
of how old they are.”
“But after they hit 45 or so, really, what’s the point?” added
Allard, referring to a condition known as aging, which is cited by the
plastic surgeon general as another worrisome but treatable issue
currently affecting 100 percent of American women.
Several studies have found that the dreaded aging syndrome also
affects men, but, in those cases, is known alternatively as
“dignification” and is generally considered to be an asset rather than