The 12 Steps for Fatty Foods Addicts

Study of these Steps is essential to progress in the Fatty Food recovery program. The principles they embody are universal, applicable to everyone, whatever your personal creed. In FFAA (Fatty Food Addicts Anonymous (ya, like we are able to hide the fact that we are freaking addicted to deep fried Twinkies)), we strive for an ever-deeper understanding of these Steps, and pray for the wisdom to apply them to our lives.
1. We admitted we were powerless over fatty foods — that our cholesterol levels and the size of our gut, man boobs and/or saddle bags on our butts had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than the Golden Arches could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Richard Simmons as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and of the health food store inventory and found nothing there that remotely resembled something that was edible or that would even taste good, but we considered having our stomachs stapled and that didn’t sound fun either so we are basically doing this on will power until we give up, can’t take it anymore, or have a nervous breakdown.
5. Admitted to the pimple-faced deaf kid with an IQ of under 42 and the listening and comprehension skills roughly that of a cockroach at our favorite drive-thru, to ourselves and to everyone that asked why we were in such a bad freaking mood and the exact nature of our wrongs and how a Biggie Meal at Wendy’s solved all of that so quickly and effectively, and that if they didn’t leave us alone and stop eating fatty foods in front of us we would take that carton of French Fries and feed it to them through their eye sockets.
6. Were entirely ready to have a shotgun remove all these defects of character. Only after we took out that stupid Subway guy (with said shotgun) that walks around thinking he’s cool because he basically eats rabbit food on a bun three times a day.
7. Humbly asked a doctor to prescribe high doses of LSD, or other very mentally incapacitating drugs that would not give us the munchies, to help us to remove (or at least help us not remember) our shortcomings and daily temptations to stop at Krispy Kreme for their NY Cheesecake styled long johns.
8. Made a list of all people we had felt like eating since we stopped gorging ourselves with fatty foods, and became willing to make amends to them all and telling them that we would promise not to eat them no matter how desperate we got but that they also might want to stay away from us for a couple of decades or so.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would put their lives in direct jeopardy due to our sudden craving to sink our teeth into absolutely anything (including people) besides a piece of lettuce, a carrot that tasted like dirt, or a low-fat Fig Newton.
10. Continued to take personal inventory of the over-priced lame items of healthy food in our house that took hours on end to prepare properly and when we we became finally desperate enough or at the last moment before it became expired or spoiled, promptly devoured it quickly hoping not to taste any of it’s hideous flavor on the way down.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our desire to somehow be able to just eat fruits and vegetables and other crappy foods that were supposed to be good for people, without feeling so depressed that we got dark circles under our eyes and had to spend every red cent we made (that we didn’t have to save for the health food) on therapy just so someone wouldn’t find us someday swinging from a shower rod or something.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these stupid Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, to warn them of our miserable way of living and to tell them that life simply isn’t worth living without a daily ho-ho and ask them who really wants to live to be 80 freaking years old anyway?